as depiction of humanity's search for self.
And in this perspective it is indeed the Word of God...
Just one among many.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
The Purpose In Life
I cannot say for sure however if there is just one purpose in life for each of us then I would say right now that “to become who I really am” is my one purpose in life.
Of course becoming who I really am encompasses all those things that we speak of as our purpose in life, inclusive of the external actions to be taken that are the result of what we believe to be our purpose in life, or at least one of our purposes in life.
More importantly however is that finding our purpose encompasses all of our inner world. It means getting to know our interior selves, our feelings, our thoughts, our dreams and fantasies. It means expressing our inner selves which of course means expressing our own innate and individual creativity.
What comes out of my heart and soul, what comes from my mind is the creative expression of who I am in whatever form it takes. What I say, what I do, what I think, what I like, what I dislike, all of these phenomena are part and parcel of that which is really me.
It is not possible to dispose of the mask that we wear. It is not possible to dissolve the persona that we carry around, that “me” that I show to the world at large. It is not possible for me to dispose of my mask unless everyone with whom I come into contact disposes of theirs also... and we know that ain’t going to happen anytime soon. I do not think we are capable of doing this simply because I do not think we’re even aware of where we end and our mask begins. In our conscious minds the two have become one and it takes a significant bit of work and courage to investigate and dismantle that mask. So many people aren’t even aware of the possibility of doing this.
Dismantling the mask to the greatest degree possible – this is a challenge, because it means first finding the courage and this is the true definition of courage. Finding the courage to first weed through the garbage, the emotional garbage in order to get to what is really there and then to allow what is really there to emerge even though it makes us uncomfortable, even though we don’t like certain aspects of ourselves, even though what we may find flies in the face of everything we ever thought was right and true and especially in the presence and pressure of all those other masks out there now THAT is courage.
Funny thing is that even though those of us who sense that there is a purpose to our lives tend to look right past this really rather simple idea. In Victor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning” it was his suggestion, or rather observation that those individuals who survived the horrors of Auschwitz were those that attached a purpose to their lives, not necessarily a definitive purpose but they knew that there was something out there, somewhere, perhaps in some future time and place for which they needed to stay alive in order to ultimately achieve. God wants me to accomplish “something” in this life yet that “something” is defined I think as something very specific. Something very specific that is as yet down the road, not yet realized.
But here’s the kicker: that “something” happens every minute of our lives. That “something” happens moment by moment when we exercise our ability to think and feel and do that which we can. That “something” is exercised when we stretch ourselves, when we reach for yet more of our potential, when we grasp for more, when we put ourselves to the test, when we seek for more or different from ourselves or… OR when we simply allow to emerge what we already know to be within.
Sometimes that “something” means nothing more than experiencing what is within us in that moment. That too is part of what it means to be me and is that not our purpose? To learn how to be Me? Sometimes that purpose, that “something” means trying to hang on to life because in that moment and for whatever reason life has become harder than we might have imagined. And so in that moment, and perhaps for moments yet to come the “something” is merely to try and hang on to life.
We are here for something that much most of us would agree to be true but what we seldom consider is how that purpose changes from moment to moment and encompasses not just some unseen, future event or activity, some cause that the twists and turns in our life force us to consider and oftentimes embrace as our “purpose” but that which is happening right now, in that very moment. That cause in which we are currently engaged, sometimes joyful, sometimes a painful struggle but either way an integral piece of our purpose in life.
Of course becoming who I really am encompasses all those things that we speak of as our purpose in life, inclusive of the external actions to be taken that are the result of what we believe to be our purpose in life, or at least one of our purposes in life.
More importantly however is that finding our purpose encompasses all of our inner world. It means getting to know our interior selves, our feelings, our thoughts, our dreams and fantasies. It means expressing our inner selves which of course means expressing our own innate and individual creativity.
What comes out of my heart and soul, what comes from my mind is the creative expression of who I am in whatever form it takes. What I say, what I do, what I think, what I like, what I dislike, all of these phenomena are part and parcel of that which is really me.
It is not possible to dispose of the mask that we wear. It is not possible to dissolve the persona that we carry around, that “me” that I show to the world at large. It is not possible for me to dispose of my mask unless everyone with whom I come into contact disposes of theirs also... and we know that ain’t going to happen anytime soon. I do not think we are capable of doing this simply because I do not think we’re even aware of where we end and our mask begins. In our conscious minds the two have become one and it takes a significant bit of work and courage to investigate and dismantle that mask. So many people aren’t even aware of the possibility of doing this.
Dismantling the mask to the greatest degree possible – this is a challenge, because it means first finding the courage and this is the true definition of courage. Finding the courage to first weed through the garbage, the emotional garbage in order to get to what is really there and then to allow what is really there to emerge even though it makes us uncomfortable, even though we don’t like certain aspects of ourselves, even though what we may find flies in the face of everything we ever thought was right and true and especially in the presence and pressure of all those other masks out there now THAT is courage.
Funny thing is that even though those of us who sense that there is a purpose to our lives tend to look right past this really rather simple idea. In Victor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning” it was his suggestion, or rather observation that those individuals who survived the horrors of Auschwitz were those that attached a purpose to their lives, not necessarily a definitive purpose but they knew that there was something out there, somewhere, perhaps in some future time and place for which they needed to stay alive in order to ultimately achieve. God wants me to accomplish “something” in this life yet that “something” is defined I think as something very specific. Something very specific that is as yet down the road, not yet realized.
But here’s the kicker: that “something” happens every minute of our lives. That “something” happens moment by moment when we exercise our ability to think and feel and do that which we can. That “something” is exercised when we stretch ourselves, when we reach for yet more of our potential, when we grasp for more, when we put ourselves to the test, when we seek for more or different from ourselves or… OR when we simply allow to emerge what we already know to be within.
Sometimes that “something” means nothing more than experiencing what is within us in that moment. That too is part of what it means to be me and is that not our purpose? To learn how to be Me? Sometimes that purpose, that “something” means trying to hang on to life because in that moment and for whatever reason life has become harder than we might have imagined. And so in that moment, and perhaps for moments yet to come the “something” is merely to try and hang on to life.
We are here for something that much most of us would agree to be true but what we seldom consider is how that purpose changes from moment to moment and encompasses not just some unseen, future event or activity, some cause that the twists and turns in our life force us to consider and oftentimes embrace as our “purpose” but that which is happening right now, in that very moment. That cause in which we are currently engaged, sometimes joyful, sometimes a painful struggle but either way an integral piece of our purpose in life.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
This Is My Truth. Here I Take My Stand.
Why is it so hard for us to find that place? Or perhaps the better question would be why is it so hard to take our stand once we find that place. I think perhaps if we are paying attention we find that place of truth for ourselves many times throughout our lives. If only we recognize it definitively when we arrive at a place of our truth it then must take all of our courage to say “here I take my stand”. The influence of others is so strong that we are rendered almost incapable of making that final statement.
There are times when one’s place of truth is a place of pain that lies just below the surface and one avoids taking one’s stand by not so much in denying the truth of the pain but in a reluctance to let it flow freely to the surface. When all of one’s efforts are employed in keeping that pain at bay, hiding it from the world and projecting an image of self-control, competence and (what we have come to know as) “strength”.
Is it obvious that I am referring to myself in that paragraph? There… I took a little bit of my stand by admitting that I am talking about me while at the same time avoiding that same stand by speaking impersonally of a figurative “one”.
Sometimes our “truth” does not manifest itself in an outward display of what we would define as a position of strength. Sometimes what we define as a position of strength is in fact the means by which we deny the current truth of ourselves and it is in fact the act of allowing our “weakness” to show and our vulnerability to flow that has us taking our stand in our truth.
There are times when one’s place of truth is a place of pain that lies just below the surface and one avoids taking one’s stand by not so much in denying the truth of the pain but in a reluctance to let it flow freely to the surface. When all of one’s efforts are employed in keeping that pain at bay, hiding it from the world and projecting an image of self-control, competence and (what we have come to know as) “strength”.
Is it obvious that I am referring to myself in that paragraph? There… I took a little bit of my stand by admitting that I am talking about me while at the same time avoiding that same stand by speaking impersonally of a figurative “one”.
Sometimes our “truth” does not manifest itself in an outward display of what we would define as a position of strength. Sometimes what we define as a position of strength is in fact the means by which we deny the current truth of ourselves and it is in fact the act of allowing our “weakness” to show and our vulnerability to flow that has us taking our stand in our truth.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
False Existence
From Thomas Merton’s No Man Is An Island:
“… the loss of faith has involved at the same time a complete loss of all sense of reality. Being means nothing to those who hate and fear what they themselves are. Therefore they cannot have peace in their own reality (which reflects the reality of God). They must struggle to escape their true being, and verify a false existence by constantly viewing what they themselves do. They have to keep looking in the mirror for reassurance… They are hoping for some sign that they have become the god they hope to become by means of their own frantic activity – invulnerable, all powerful, infinitely wise, unbearably beautiful, unable to die!”
I would not dispute the truth of this statement. In fact with just some cursory effort and a little insight it is plainly evident in our so progressive western world. However what I cannot get onboard with is his sort of accusatory tone, as if all of us are completely aware of our choice between valuing who and what we really are vs. what we think is valuable which is to say power and invulnerability or that which we think makes us powerful and invulnerable. Money is power, owning things, a big house, a fancy car is to be admired. Power and prestige in our social and professional circles make us invulnerable. I out rank you therefore I have power over you therefore I am invulnerable to you. This is what we think, this is what we are taught, whether by word or deed that these are the truths of life.
Most of us are not aware of the other option, plain and simple. We are taught from the beginning of life to strive for power and avoid vulnerability from other people who were taught right from the beginning of life to strive for power and avoid vulnerability. It is all we know, it is all we ever knew so how could we know any other way and why does he make it sound so downright morally reprehensible? This of course is easy to do when we come to a place of feeling morally superior when we think we have ‘found’ God. I know that feeling, that attitude because I had a bit of it not all that long ago. You start to figure a few things out, you get to thinking you’re on the right track to the secret that’s hidden from everyone else, you start to thinking that you’ve got it all worked out and you’re feeling pretty good about yourself. And so it becomes easy to point out how others are completely missing the point. They don’t get it those silly, ignorant, spiritually bereft people. Look at them with their big cars and their big, important jobs and their high-falutin social life. But I know those things means nothing, I just don’t understand why they don’t get it.
I do believe that those people that Mr. Merton speaks of above are indeed struggling to escape their true being and quite possibly verify a false existence but I would venture to guess that very few of them are really, truly looking in the mirror at themselves and you see there’s the rub; they’re not necessarily aware that there is a mirror that needs looking into.
I am coming to believe – most certainly it is true for me and I would venture to guess for every other individual who spends their days struggling to escape their true being that the denial, the struggle for power, the quest for invulnerability, the striving for external rewards to validate their lives is not only the product of the education handed down to us via our environment but more importantly and far more tragically it is the result of our instinct for self-preservation.
Our need for power and invulnerability is a response to a position whereby we were completely powerless and totally vulnerable, oftentimes to those who chose to abuse their position of power and authority, who chose to stomp on our vulnerability instead of treating it with kindness and gentleness and respect. It has to happen, loved ones get sick, they die, they develop addictions or simply become mean and bitter. People we love hurt us in their efforts to tackle and subdue their own demons. It cannot be helped. Our need for power and invulnerability is a normal, human response to a version of life that includes disappointment and pain and suffering, these things cannot be avoided in any life.
If I continue directing all my energy towards striving for power and invulnerability, material things, all that is characteristic of our external world then I don’t have to notice myself. I don’t have to notice my feelings. I don’t have to notice my vulnerability and I don’t have to notice any pain that might still linger long after the stomping has occurred. This is what we fear, laying our hearts open and running the risk of having it stomped on yet again. And if I stop striving long enough to realize that there is an inner world to go along with that outer world than I am faced with the realization that I might have to look into that world and see what’s there.. and feel what’s there. Who in their right mind wouldn’t choose a sports car and a big fancy house over that?
And all I can think to say is I never knew. I never, ever knew I was doing this.
“… the loss of faith has involved at the same time a complete loss of all sense of reality. Being means nothing to those who hate and fear what they themselves are. Therefore they cannot have peace in their own reality (which reflects the reality of God). They must struggle to escape their true being, and verify a false existence by constantly viewing what they themselves do. They have to keep looking in the mirror for reassurance… They are hoping for some sign that they have become the god they hope to become by means of their own frantic activity – invulnerable, all powerful, infinitely wise, unbearably beautiful, unable to die!”
I would not dispute the truth of this statement. In fact with just some cursory effort and a little insight it is plainly evident in our so progressive western world. However what I cannot get onboard with is his sort of accusatory tone, as if all of us are completely aware of our choice between valuing who and what we really are vs. what we think is valuable which is to say power and invulnerability or that which we think makes us powerful and invulnerable. Money is power, owning things, a big house, a fancy car is to be admired. Power and prestige in our social and professional circles make us invulnerable. I out rank you therefore I have power over you therefore I am invulnerable to you. This is what we think, this is what we are taught, whether by word or deed that these are the truths of life.
Most of us are not aware of the other option, plain and simple. We are taught from the beginning of life to strive for power and avoid vulnerability from other people who were taught right from the beginning of life to strive for power and avoid vulnerability. It is all we know, it is all we ever knew so how could we know any other way and why does he make it sound so downright morally reprehensible? This of course is easy to do when we come to a place of feeling morally superior when we think we have ‘found’ God. I know that feeling, that attitude because I had a bit of it not all that long ago. You start to figure a few things out, you get to thinking you’re on the right track to the secret that’s hidden from everyone else, you start to thinking that you’ve got it all worked out and you’re feeling pretty good about yourself. And so it becomes easy to point out how others are completely missing the point. They don’t get it those silly, ignorant, spiritually bereft people. Look at them with their big cars and their big, important jobs and their high-falutin social life. But I know those things means nothing, I just don’t understand why they don’t get it.
I do believe that those people that Mr. Merton speaks of above are indeed struggling to escape their true being and quite possibly verify a false existence but I would venture to guess that very few of them are really, truly looking in the mirror at themselves and you see there’s the rub; they’re not necessarily aware that there is a mirror that needs looking into.
I am coming to believe – most certainly it is true for me and I would venture to guess for every other individual who spends their days struggling to escape their true being that the denial, the struggle for power, the quest for invulnerability, the striving for external rewards to validate their lives is not only the product of the education handed down to us via our environment but more importantly and far more tragically it is the result of our instinct for self-preservation.
Our need for power and invulnerability is a response to a position whereby we were completely powerless and totally vulnerable, oftentimes to those who chose to abuse their position of power and authority, who chose to stomp on our vulnerability instead of treating it with kindness and gentleness and respect. It has to happen, loved ones get sick, they die, they develop addictions or simply become mean and bitter. People we love hurt us in their efforts to tackle and subdue their own demons. It cannot be helped. Our need for power and invulnerability is a normal, human response to a version of life that includes disappointment and pain and suffering, these things cannot be avoided in any life.
If I continue directing all my energy towards striving for power and invulnerability, material things, all that is characteristic of our external world then I don’t have to notice myself. I don’t have to notice my feelings. I don’t have to notice my vulnerability and I don’t have to notice any pain that might still linger long after the stomping has occurred. This is what we fear, laying our hearts open and running the risk of having it stomped on yet again. And if I stop striving long enough to realize that there is an inner world to go along with that outer world than I am faced with the realization that I might have to look into that world and see what’s there.. and feel what’s there. Who in their right mind wouldn’t choose a sports car and a big fancy house over that?
And all I can think to say is I never knew. I never, ever knew I was doing this.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Dear Ned Lamont
I realize that you are running for governor of the great state of Connecticut and I understand that in order to win the office you have to have your name out there and you have to spend a lot of money, energy and time in order to persuade people to vote. However Ned Lamont you do not have to call my house EVERY DAY FOR TWO WEEKS to ask for my vote when I already told your campaign worker that I would certainly consider voting for you on election day. Seriously Ned Lamont, once I have spoken to your volunteer (ok I'll give you two phone calls) kindly check my name off your list and move on to the next person.
I do not need a phone call every day to have you remind me that election day is Tuesday and that I should vote for you because you are better than ALL OF THE OTHER CANDIDATES OUT THERE. You're the only one with integrity, you're the only one that isn't motivated by greed, you're the only one who wants to see the great state of Connecticut be the best state EVER!!
Not only that Ned Lamont but your phone calls do not identify you on my caller ID, which tells me Ned Lamont that you don't want me to know it's you calling because then I might be inclined to ignore the phone call.
I guess what I'm trying to say Ned Lamont is that because you have crossed over the line into harrassment YOU CANNOT COUNT ON MY VOTE THIS COMING TUESDAY NED LAMONT.
Not only that Ned Lamont but because of all of your phone calls I am seriously considering un-registering myself as a Democrat.
Take that Ned Lamont.
I do not need a phone call every day to have you remind me that election day is Tuesday and that I should vote for you because you are better than ALL OF THE OTHER CANDIDATES OUT THERE. You're the only one with integrity, you're the only one that isn't motivated by greed, you're the only one who wants to see the great state of Connecticut be the best state EVER!!
Not only that Ned Lamont but your phone calls do not identify you on my caller ID, which tells me Ned Lamont that you don't want me to know it's you calling because then I might be inclined to ignore the phone call.
I guess what I'm trying to say Ned Lamont is that because you have crossed over the line into harrassment YOU CANNOT COUNT ON MY VOTE THIS COMING TUESDAY NED LAMONT.
Not only that Ned Lamont but because of all of your phone calls I am seriously considering un-registering myself as a Democrat.
Take that Ned Lamont.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
That Old Familiar Feeling
There are those of us who are referred to in the clinical literature as Adult Children of Alcoholics, ACOA for short. So many of us exist in a daily state of busyness. Our lives are full of things to do, tasks to complete, responsibilities to be met. We must always be doing something. There is generally no free time to be had because there is so much to do. When we get a free hour we’re looking around for an activity to fill that empty space. Got a free ten minutes where’s the vacuum cleaner?
We work extremely well under pressure, in fact we thrive under just the right amount of pressure. We seek out professional responsibilities that allow us to make use of our confidence and competence under pressure. Our employers love us, glowing reviews, pay raises, promotions. We are people who get it done and we’re not afraid to mix it up, in fact we welcome the opportunity to mix it up. It’s a challenge yes?
We’re probably high-achievers and to some degree perfectionists, at least that is how others undoubtedly see us. Those same others might also envy us our high energy level, our high degree of competence, “how do you do it?” they ask. “Oh I don’t know, I just do it, it’s just the way I am” I might respond. I don’t even think about it. It is what makes me go.
There are those people out there with advanced degrees in psychology who do not necessarily envy those of us who exist in a daily state of busyness and achievement. In fact they probably have an entirely different perspective of that propensity to seek out busyness, pressure, too much work. I suspect in many cases that these people with advanced degrees might suggest that perhaps we are running from something. Running from our feelings. Running from our pain. Running from our memories. They may be right, at this moment I cannot say.
Life is not either/or.
I would like to posit an alternative theory and my theory goes like this:
Those competent, high-achieving, perfectionists are not running from something but rather running to something. They are running to an old familiar feeling. The old familiar feeling that is a fluttering, a nervousness, a feeling of always being on edge. This is what they know because this is what they had growing up. This feeling of edginess, or rather of always being on edge is where they are comfortable. It is what they have always known… and when it goes away they notice. They might not know exactly what it is that's missing but they know something vital is no longer there. And so they go searching. For that old familiar feeling.
We work extremely well under pressure, in fact we thrive under just the right amount of pressure. We seek out professional responsibilities that allow us to make use of our confidence and competence under pressure. Our employers love us, glowing reviews, pay raises, promotions. We are people who get it done and we’re not afraid to mix it up, in fact we welcome the opportunity to mix it up. It’s a challenge yes?
We’re probably high-achievers and to some degree perfectionists, at least that is how others undoubtedly see us. Those same others might also envy us our high energy level, our high degree of competence, “how do you do it?” they ask. “Oh I don’t know, I just do it, it’s just the way I am” I might respond. I don’t even think about it. It is what makes me go.
*****
There are those people out there with advanced degrees in psychology who do not necessarily envy those of us who exist in a daily state of busyness and achievement. In fact they probably have an entirely different perspective of that propensity to seek out busyness, pressure, too much work. I suspect in many cases that these people with advanced degrees might suggest that perhaps we are running from something. Running from our feelings. Running from our pain. Running from our memories. They may be right, at this moment I cannot say.
Life is not either/or.
I would like to posit an alternative theory and my theory goes like this:
Those competent, high-achieving, perfectionists are not running from something but rather running to something. They are running to an old familiar feeling. The old familiar feeling that is a fluttering, a nervousness, a feeling of always being on edge. This is what they know because this is what they had growing up. This feeling of edginess, or rather of always being on edge is where they are comfortable. It is what they have always known… and when it goes away they notice. They might not know exactly what it is that's missing but they know something vital is no longer there. And so they go searching. For that old familiar feeling.
Monday, August 2, 2010
The Failure of My Mother
A young woman grows up in a family, one of four children of two parents, Mom and Dad – second generation Italian Americans - parents who love them and worked hard for them. Two parents who modeled good, strong American values, hard work, loyalty and responsibility to family and country. European immigrant values coming to the land of the free and the home of the brave. The country where hard work, strong ethics and for the women the ability to cook a fabulous spaghetti sauce and stand by their men are paramount.
This young woman feels different, feels that she is missing something, some vital piece or part of the normal human machine, the normal ‘girl’ mechanism that dictates her desire to date boys, to talk about boys, to be with boys, to LIKE boys. The desire for a home and a family of her own one day where she cooks for thirty family members at Christmas.
“What am I missing?” she asks of herself every day. Her younger sister, her brothers, they all got the ‘gene’. The “I want a home and children of my own someday” gene. What line did she miss getting in when they were handing out that vital part?
She wanders through adolescence, graduates high school, goes to college and the whole time she feels different, she knows she is different. And that difference is shameful. Oh she goes through the dating motions, it’s what girls are supposed to do yes? But her heart isn’t in it, she’s just doing it because she thinks this is what she’s supposed to be doing, this is what she’s supposed to like and want. She becomes isolated, she keeps her thoughts and her fears to herself. Nobody wants to hear this, nobody EXPECTS to hear this from her, least of all her mother. This is not the way she was raised… to be like this.
How could she possibly tell anyone when they don’t expect to hear this from her? She cannot stand to think about the response that she would get from family and friends. How could she be like this? They won’t understand and she cannot find a way to explain. She doesn’t know how to explain, nobody ever talked about such things in her family. Why would they? There is no precedence and besides this is so ABNORMAL.
She begins to distance herself from her mother. If she cannot talk to her mother about the most vital part of herself, the most personal, the core of her being what have they got to talk about? Her mother speaks of the life she knows, what it means to be a woman, where her family is everything, the very center of her life. She loves them, she cooks for them, she cleans for them, she wants what’s best for them which is of course a home and a family. That's what it's all about right girls?
And so in her isolation, alone with her feelings of defectiveness, of shame, of abnormality she knows the disappointment her mother would feel in her oldest daughter. In her isolation alone with her feelings of defectiveness and shame and abnormality she comes to realize that she is the failure of her mother. How could she possibly ever find the words to tell her?
This young woman feels different, feels that she is missing something, some vital piece or part of the normal human machine, the normal ‘girl’ mechanism that dictates her desire to date boys, to talk about boys, to be with boys, to LIKE boys. The desire for a home and a family of her own one day where she cooks for thirty family members at Christmas.
“What am I missing?” she asks of herself every day. Her younger sister, her brothers, they all got the ‘gene’. The “I want a home and children of my own someday” gene. What line did she miss getting in when they were handing out that vital part?
She wanders through adolescence, graduates high school, goes to college and the whole time she feels different, she knows she is different. And that difference is shameful. Oh she goes through the dating motions, it’s what girls are supposed to do yes? But her heart isn’t in it, she’s just doing it because she thinks this is what she’s supposed to be doing, this is what she’s supposed to like and want. She becomes isolated, she keeps her thoughts and her fears to herself. Nobody wants to hear this, nobody EXPECTS to hear this from her, least of all her mother. This is not the way she was raised… to be like this.
How could she possibly tell anyone when they don’t expect to hear this from her? She cannot stand to think about the response that she would get from family and friends. How could she be like this? They won’t understand and she cannot find a way to explain. She doesn’t know how to explain, nobody ever talked about such things in her family. Why would they? There is no precedence and besides this is so ABNORMAL.
She begins to distance herself from her mother. If she cannot talk to her mother about the most vital part of herself, the most personal, the core of her being what have they got to talk about? Her mother speaks of the life she knows, what it means to be a woman, where her family is everything, the very center of her life. She loves them, she cooks for them, she cleans for them, she wants what’s best for them which is of course a home and a family. That's what it's all about right girls?
And so in her isolation, alone with her feelings of defectiveness, of shame, of abnormality she knows the disappointment her mother would feel in her oldest daughter. In her isolation alone with her feelings of defectiveness and shame and abnormality she comes to realize that she is the failure of her mother. How could she possibly ever find the words to tell her?
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