Monday, April 12, 2010

I've Got Nuthin

Funny thing about blogs, they don’t really lend themselves to your blogging amigos just dropping by to say hello. Generally comments from those that are good enough to bother to read your thoughts are spurred only by a new post. I think that blogs should have a ‘just stopped by to say hey and wondering why we haven’t heard from you lately’ section.

I have often wanted to say something similar to bloggers with whom I’ve become somewhat familiar when I notice they sort of disappear after having built a reputation as regular posters but haven’t quite figured out what’s the politically correct way to do so without being invited by a new post.

It is one of those bits of phenomena that is always a reminder to me of how utterly impersonal is the internet. People write so beautifully and poignantly about some of the most personal aspects of their lives and I follow and I comment and I frequently recognize similarities to my own personal experiences but in the end I don’t know any of these undoubtedly excellent people. Strange.

I am oftentimes saddened by that aspect of e-connection with people because certainly in some of the blogs I follow I recognize people I would most definitely like to meet and talk with. Unfortunately that is unlikely to ever happen. The internet can bring people so close in proximity by virtue of disclosure of shared experience and yet we are all so far away in terms of geography, in that nobody knows what anyone looks like, in that mostly we don’t know of families and friends and pets and home decorating styles and so on. In the end we all have the sense to guard ourselves from too much internet exposure because, well there are predators out there right and ultimately we’re not entirely sure we want anyone to know it’s us (or maybe that’s just my hang-up).

I have run into a bumpy road recently and I’ve been somewhat caught off guard by it. It’s one of those things that kind of slaps you in the face – actually it was more like somebody walked up to me and gently removed the bag over my head and the blindfold over my eyes but not without first asking for my permission to do so (shout-out to my therapist here)  - and forces you to re-examine every bit of image you ever had about yourself. Freaking therapy man. It’s like a car wreck sometimes. You drive by, you know it’s ugly, you don’t want to look but you just can’t help yourself. Afterward you might not necessarily be sorry you looked but it sure takes awhile to wrap your mind around what you saw.

And I have to admit that I’m left a bit befuddled and unable to write much lately… and I was having so damn much fun just throwing down on paper any old thing that came into my mind. And now bupkus, nothing.  Go figure.


  1. Hey jss,

    I know it has felt hard to write. I gathered that from your silence.
    It's so good to hear you though.
    And everything you've written is so well expressed (as ever).
    It's true about this blog world. It's amazing how you feel such an affinity with certain people, and yet, it's only in a world of 2D... One which may be fraught with dangers (as you point out).

    Anyway (I'm rambling, I know)...
    It's good to hear you and to hear how you are.
    It sounds as though it has been very tough and I know well the shattering that can occur when you dare to glance as you drive by.

    Thinking of you.

    (and 'bupkus'? What does that mean??)

  2. Hi WS - thanks for the kind words. I like your 2D metaphor, very apt. Indicates that there is a whole dimension missing. Quite accurate I'd say.

    Bupkus (from
    Function: noun plural but singular in construction
    Etymology: Yiddish (probably short for kozebubkes, literally, goat droppings), plural of bubke, bobke, diminutive of bub, bob bean, of Slavic origin; akin to Polish bób bean
    Date: 1942
    : the least amount : beans ; also : nothing

  3. Hello JSS,
    It seems to me that the great gift we have is conscious experience. Being reflective opens you to more of your inner terrain. As a result of reflective focus, your experience gains a depth and authenticity that allows you to more fully inhabit yourself as a location of consciousness in the world. Your blog is an act of generosity in sharing that reflection, and, at the same time, a vehicle that facilitates it. Please be careful what you call ugly: that is very subjective. And I don't think you could have bupkus unless you were unconscious. Your posts are very thoughtful and very personal without being either self satisfied or self pitying. It is nice to visit a genuine human being.

  4. Hi Nora
    Thanks for coming by and for your thoughtful comment, although I would have expected nothing less. I am interested in your warning to be careful what I call ugly and the subjectiveness of using that term. Is that not what our experience is... subjective? I do realize that what I consider ugly and what someone else calls ugly could very well be two different things however that difference is what defines our own experience, our subjective experience which I have come to learn is valid. In other words what I think matters, maybe not necessarily to others but definitely to me. What I think, what I feel matters and is part and parcel of what makes me me. Took a long time for me to realize that. Life is not strictly objective but mostly subjective. Truly understanding that I think is the first step to releasing our creativity.

  5. Hi Jss, That is a good point. Your own view is privileged for sure. I just always have to stop when someone seems to apply negative terms to themselves. Our subjective experience is multi-determined: part received education, part imprinting from our environment, and part arrived at by hard work and careful thought. It varies. I guess I think there is a me underneath my judgements. That self is sacred. Maybe I'm not quite always in touch with it when the other noise in my head gets active.

  6. I absolutely understand and I suppose many of us are more inclined to view ourselves in the negative faster than we are to give ourselves credit and really I could have put ugly in quotation marks. I was referring to those aspects of ourselves we would rather not see or know but, if one is fortunate enough "ugly" is replaced by "human". It is a good day when that happens.

    In the end however we cannot help but make judgements... about ourselves and others. There are things and people who are and are not good for us. Deciding which is which is a judgement call. I do like to think I''m paying better attention these days and am better equipped to make those judgement calls. Thanks again for coming by.