Thursday, January 27, 2011

You Are Not What They Say You Are

I can read all the books about creativity that I want, it ain’t going to make me creative. Although it can help me to know that potential exists. What I need is to dig in, push past the fears and see what’s in there. I need to push past the fears and clean out the muck. That feels the most relevant right now. Too many thoughts born of holding them all in for a lifetime, never letting them out, always doubting them, doubting myself. Let them loose, examine them, see what they’re made of, be inquisitive rather than disdainful of them. Discover what I am made of.

I do not think that You are anything like they say You are. I sense You as a force, an energy, shimmering unseen to our naked, physical eye. And yet consuming every square inch of what we call ‘space’. Flowing through and impelling everything that is. The life force that holds it all together. And part and parcel of that energy is all that we think and feel, our mental and emotional energy and that which includes our capacity to both love and hate. It includes our capacity to create anything and everything that I can bring into being from my mental and emotional energy.

I think You are there and here. “Out there” and “In here”. Not a stream but THE energy that glues all that is together. That which connects me – however indirectly (and yet so directly) to the smallest particle of matter in an ocean on the other side of the planet and in outer space a million miles away.

The Christ. I AM the way, the truth and the life. I have long puzzled over this statement. But it is the answer… when we come to discover the question. After a very long and arduous and intensely personal struggle.

The Christ. The Center. Somehow this points to the very core of ourselves, the center of the human being. Of course I can never be sure, at least not right now but it seems rational that You would exist in material form if my theory of “every idea and expression of idea points to something that already is” is true. And I sense that it is. It would make sense that You had come in human form to show us that the way to You is somehow the way to our true self, the center of our being. It is both the path to me and the path to You. I could never quite put my finger on it but it makes sense to me now.

It is both interesting and rather sad that as I reach for You and (I think) get ever closer to You the more ‘out there’ people would take me to be. But the fact is that the more I reach for You and the closer I get the less ‘out there’ I become.


It is very odd to be headed somewhere and not have the slightest idea where. I still have this idea that I should be ‘doing’ stuff, ‘accomplishing’ things. What I haven’t the slightest idea. Making money? Curing cancer? Saving lives? I don’t know.

I wonder if that isn’t quite true. I suppose it can be true if that is what I choose. But in the end that which I accomplish doesn’t help me much. I’ll be dead as will everyone that is to come. So much distraction comes from without and it is so hard to close my ears to it. So hard to shut it out and not allow myself to fall for that which others impose on me as necessary. Do I let society define what is important for me? Do I let the people around me dictate what I should or should not be doing. Does somebody else get to determine what is good or bad, right or wrong, useful or useless?

Striving after wind.

Is it not true that anything that flows from me, represented in the way that I choose to represent, done in a such a way that I am capable of representing, does that not automatically make it good? Simply because it is a work of my hands and my mind and my heart brought into being by me… the image of God.

I have been wanting to say this for a very long time: You are not what they say You are.