The Fear of Being Alone

Connection by detachment. We live under the delusion (albeit a delusion that we come by naturally and honestly) that physical proximity defines ‘not being alone’. But physical proximity does not necessarily cure loneliness. Psychological proximity, emotional proximity is that which ultimately connects us with others. It is the internal - call it mental, emotional, spiritual – aspects of our humanness that provide us with basic human sustenance, the food that produces growth.


It is a sad paradox in life that our fear of being alone is ultimately the catalyst that leads us into isolation and loneliness.

Where Titles of Essays Are Not Possible

 
A quote from ‘The Unholy Bible’ by June Singer:

“Many problems of the individual psyche are not measurable in the same way [as the measurable data of mathematics and the natural sciences], that is they cannot be compared with a predetermined standard of measurement for they are subject to an infinite complexity of variables which serve to color each experience differently.”

This is a very exciting statement. One might take the first part re: the immeasurability of psychic data against anything that we can quantify in measurable terms as a hindrance or a weakness or a problem of psychology and the human psyche in general as it pertains to science and scientific study. Certainly if I am a scientist trying to prove my theory to colleagues or get my paper published in the scientific journals than to be sure I have encountered what might be considered an insurmountable obstacle. I suppose it matters to what extent the approval of our colleagues and our theories being published in scientific journals weighs on our minds as proof of our success, not to mention the impact on our self-esteem. Again I digress although into an area so very pertinent to my over-all theme.

However… what if I am a human being interested in living my life? What if I am a human being whose only purpose, whose one goal in life is to discover myself, discover the potential for a creative fire burning within? What if my purpose is not to prove my thought patterns, i.e. the validity of my ideas and feelings based on some scientific data of what is right or wrong, fact or fiction but rather to experience me, myself and I in relationship to the world both seen and unseen. To think what I want to think, what I actually do think, to feel what want I feel, what I actually do feel and to express those aspects of myself using whatever medium I choose for my self-expression.

What if that and only that is what I cared about? What small, tightly enclosed, dark box would I find myself crawling out of if I could actually succeed in living my life this way? I think one cannot imagine (assuming one lives in the aforementioned box) the possibilities inherent to this manner of living. What discoveries would we make of ourselves, of our family and our friends and our society? What incredibly cool things would we stumble upon along the way and what, WHAT might this feel like. What Freedom might we experience living this sort of life?

Is God there? I don’t know, let’s find out. I wonder what it does it mean if He is. I don’t know, let’s find out.

*******

Hard to do. Hard to break out of the chains of past experience that bind me. Hard to extricate myself from old thought patterns which seem to have left indelible tracks burned into my mind and heart and soul. Tracks that lead to thoughts of uselessness, of worthlessness, of sadness and grief and loss and fear. Oh that fear is a tough one to conquer, always, always knocking at the door, tapping on the window, sneaking in through the cracks. A seemingly permanent brand that screams limited or no possibility, too much chance of failure and then what?
 

*******

To be sure the work of a lifetime; to break free from the bonds of rigid and limiting thought patterns passed onto us through our environment. Limiting and rigid thought with its rules and regulations, its harsh and destructive judgments. A lifetime of work it seems always pushing a boulder up a hill, one tiny step forward only to roll back ten feet.

We must understand and accept that it is not a straight shot UP at even the slightest trajectory but rather a spiraling, like a coil where UP is preceded and followed by seemingly interminable periods of spiraling, spinning in place, walking around in circles, not gaining, not losing.

That is undoubtedly reality. It is a total body make-over that is not defined by L’Oreal or Estee Lauder or even Jack LaLanne. Rather it is a make-over that is defined by the Spirit of Infinity whose boundaries know no bounds and UP is part of a Whole that we can only see when we stand back and gaze from a later distance, a later perspective. Then and only then can we see the UP that somehow occurred without ever realizing.

F(ear)AITH

Anyone who experienced fear as a child raise your hand.

Anyone who has experienced fear as an adult raise your hand. Ok that might be another post but I figured I’d ask.

Hmm. Same number of people raising their hands in both groups. Who woulda thunk it? Right and of course we all have fears as children. Normal fears that stem from being small and everything else being large. Fears that stem from being dependent on somebody else. Well, look let’s face it, everyone experiences fear as a kid because we’re small and dependent. Monsters under the bed, your favorite teddy bear turns into Jack the Ripper in the dark, your mother is away for a few days are you sure she’s coming back?

And although we are not as children conscious of these thoughts, frequently as adults we are not conscious of these thoughts, these motivating forces they are there for everyone. And so my father comes into my room and assures me in his way as strongest and bravest and most handsome man on the face of the earth – there absolutely IS NOT another father as good as my father in the whole world – that the teddy bear has not come to life in the form of Godzilla. And when mom comes back in a couple of days I am the first person she goes to and I have the opportunity to tell her how much I missed her and how afraid I was that she wasn’t coming back and she puts my fears to rest, assures me that she will always come back. And so I’m good. Fears have been allayed, mom and dad are there doing their job, got my back and I’m good. Let’s go check out what’s on TV.

The normal fears of childhood… check. Parents interceding… check. Fears vanquished… check. Normal childhood development… check.

I’m five years old and its two in the morning and I’m not feeling so good. I know that feeling, I’ve had it before and I’m pretty damn sure that I’m going to be throwing up all over the place within the hour. This does not feel good. Somehow I need to make it from my bed to the bathroom in the dark. Problem is that mom doesn’t like her sleep disturbed in fact she was pretty darn annoyed the last time I woke her up when I was sick. She kind of scares me.

There’s someone there, I’m sure of it, there’s somebody downstairs. Oh that’s ridiculous she tells me, there’s nobody there. Go back to your room and go to sleep.

This kid at school, he’s not so nice to me. He calls me names, knocks me down on the playground at school, he’s always there waiting for me to say something dumb so he can tell me how stupid I am. He makes me nervous and I don’t realize it (I’m five) but I’m always looking over my shoulder at school, making sure the coast is clear because if I’m not paying attention this kid is likely to sneak up when I’m not looking and knock me in my ass. Ignore him I’m told. He’s only chosen me to pick on because he gets a reaction out of me, the other kids they ignore him. That’s what you do with a bully, you ignore him and he’ll go away – or so she tells me.

Hmm… I don’t think I’ve ever seen him without a drink in his hand. I wonder if all fathers drink like that? I don’t think so. They fight constantly. Again. At night. While I’m trying to fall asleep. What if he dies? Men have heart attacks all the time. All that scotch can’t possibly help in fact it’s got to hurt.

Oh that’s ridiculous I tell myself. He’s not going to have a heart attack, he’s not going to die, go to sleep. You see she’s echoing in my head now. I don’t even have to go to her anymore, which is probably best anyway cause she scares me a little. And besides I already know what she’s going to say. It’s ridiculous, I know it. It’s ridiculous. I’m being stupid to be so afraid.

Fear is a vapor that sneaks in under the crack in the door un-noticed by everyone in the room. It is insidious and silent and when it is not put in its proper perspective by the people who are supposed to put it in its proper perspective, when in fact it is denied by those same people or worse caused by those same people it burrows its way in undetected and it permeates the soul and it leaves room for little else.

An aspect of faith is clarity. Psychological, emotional and spiritual clarity. There cannot be faith where fear is manifest. It is antithetical.

Sometimes it is easier to talk about what faith is not rather than what it is. I think this is because what it IS varies from person to person but what it IS NOT is universal.