Thursday, December 3, 2009

Dear Tiger Woods

So Tiger Woods says:

“I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect.”

We certainly don’t have to be told that Tiger is far short of perfect since we are ALL far short of perfect. I get that and so with that in mind and for just one freaking time here is what I’d like to hear one of these celebrities-caught-in-multi-year-indiscretion say:

I knew the entire time that I was involved with these women/men/call girls/call boys/dogs/cats/horses/etc. that I was letting my family down and I chose to do it anyway. Clearly in light of that glaring truth my behavior was exactly in line and congruent with my true values which are much lower than the general public would like to believe. The only reason that I regret those transgressions with all my heart is that I got caught and now the paparazzi are camped out on my front lawn and I can’t even leave the house and I have endangered all of my multi-million dollar endorsement contracts and my wife keeps hitting me in the face with my nine iron. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect and because of that I’m not going to hand any of my adoring fans any bullshit about having high standards for myself when clearly I chose to violate those mythical standards repeatedly. “

Dear Tiger,

We’d respect you a lot more and forgive you a lot quicker (assuming you give a rat’s ass about the public’s forgiveness which I doubt) if you’d ix-nay on the bullshit-ay. We’ve all screwed up a time or two or twenty. Nobody gives a damn if you’re sorry… nobody believes you anyway so why bother?

Lay low, tell the truth (or shut it) and I'm sure this will all blow over and we'll all still be cheering for you at next year's Masters.

Warm Regards,



  1. Hahahaha. I love this. I don't have cable so I am sadly out of the loop, though I caught the gist through office gossip.

    Someone once told me, "I am only human. I make mistakes. How can you criticize me for making a mistake". (P.S. -- he stole thousands of dollars from a non-profit agency)

    I said, "I wouldn't criticize you if you actually made a mistake. A mistake is when you look at the situation and try to make the best choice given your knowledge and it just turns out that it was the wrong choice in the end because you didn't have all the facts or something. You didn't make a mistake. You made a bad decision. You knew exactly what you were doing. You knew it was wrong and you did it anyway".

  2. And we all do that, make bad decisions mixed in with all the mistakes. But for god sake just say the truth. I did it, I shouldn't have, I'm taking the heat, I get it.

    No sugar coating please.

  3. I think to think he can't admit it to us because he hasn't admitted it to himself yet.